THE PARENTING BIZ – Married With (Step) Children
A step-family offers a new chance at love and family life, but it also brings together different types of people, both adults and children, which can potentially create problems at home.
Spouses may not have an equal relationship to all the children and the parenting process might be difficult. Phrases like, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my real father (mother)” may even be thrown out there!
According to Statistics Canada, more than one in four Canadians aged 35 to 64 who were in a relationship in 2017, were in their second or subsequent marriage or common-law relationship. These individuals had experienced family life in more than one context, with different partners and often children from more than one union.
Joe McParland, (yes our monthly Cup of Joe columnist!), is a registered marriage officiant who has performed marriage ceremonies for over 1,500 couples in his 21 year career. He co-owns the company, Creative Marriage Celebrations, with Michael Cardinal.
It has been his observation that many second (or third) marriages involving first marriage children can work very effectively as the couple and children form a new blended family. It does require at times patience and understanding as the children adapt to their new reality.
A small ceremonial ritual McParland recommends in second marriage celebrations is the Blending of Sand.
In it, each child and each parent hold a small vessel of coloured sand; the vessels of sand represent their lives to this moment, individual and unique.
As they then combine their sand into a larger empty vessel, it represents all their lives joining together as one family. They blend the sand together symbolizing the uniting of the children and the bride and the groom into one.
On another note, McParland recalls one of the more memorable ceremonies he officiated where the bride and groom each had a six year old daughter from previous relationships.
“After the bride and groom exchanged rings, they then, on bended knee, placed the rings on each other’s daughter’s finger — signalling their love and acceptance,” he mentions. “The two girls then asked to use the microphone and together sang a duet about sisterhood and the enormous love they had for each other, from the Disney movie, Frozen. It was a wonderful and unforgettable moment and all of us in attendance needed a few moments to dry up our tears.”
Isn’t it wonderful when it all works out for the best? Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Throw in an ongoing pandemic forcing everyone together at home even more, well, things could become explosive.
While there is no right or wrong way to make a new relationship work — whether in a blended family for a second (or third!) marriage or a newly married couple with only one spouse having a child from a past relationship — now is as good a time as any to offer a bit of advice to strengthen your family bond and make sure it is unbreakable.
Read our tips from the experts next . . .
All In The Blended Family With Shaun Ouellette
Shaun Ouellette, Owner of Sage Therapeutic Consulting & Counselling (located at 1983 Westminster Blvd. with in-person appointments required) brings 20 years of experience in psychotherapy/counselling to people of all ages.
He is a graduate of the University of Windsor and holds a B.A. in Psychology, a Bachelor of Social Work and a Master of Social Work. He has also completed a number of other post-grad course work in several therapeutic modalities and is a graduate of the University of Guelph’s Intensive Sex Therapy Treatment program.
According to Ouellette, whether you are a parent, spouse or child in a blended family, there are a number of potential struggles that you may be faced with.
“The merging together of two parents and their children brings its own unique struggles as there are likely different parenting styles and/or family routines that may cause conflict,” Ouellette says. “The new step-parent may have difficulty navigating through issues of parenting or discipline, developing new relationships with the children and may have conflicting emotions themselves. This can also create tension in the relationship between the couple as they learn to parent together.”
In some cases, a partner may join a blended family and have no children of their own and this new role can be a stressful one to adjust to. The ex-partner can also be a source of stress or challenge for the new step-parent and there are times when the step-parent may feel threatened by involvement from the ex-partner.
“Many of the challenges associated with being a step-parent can be addressed with a little patience, love and effective communication,” comments Ouellette. “New rules/routines will need to be established and both parents will need to be on the same page in establishing new rules, consequences and following through consistently. There will likely need to be some discussion on family customs, holidays, etcetera and both parents will need to actively communicate and adjust structure as needed.”
Step-parents need to manage their own emotions and fears and acknowledge that love and trust must be earned. It’s important to respect there may be some resistance from the children as they adjust to their new living situation.
“Depending on the age of the children involved, there can be different challenges based on the age group we are looking at,” Ouellette mentions. “There may be contentious access/visitation with the ex-partner and the children. Younger children may have an easier time adjusting than older kids, and depending on age and stage of development between the children, there may be sibling rivalry, competition for dominance and even bullying between step-children.”
Change can cause a great deal of stress in children and joining a blended family can mean a big change in a child’s life. These children have already been through the stress of their parents’ separating/divorcing and now they must adjust to a new parent and new rules or expectations. Some children will struggle with anger/resentment toward a step-parent and resist that step-parent “replacing” their other parent.
Other children may treat the new step-parent more like a friend, rather than an authority figure. Also, there may be some reluctance shown by the child to begin to trust the step-parent and some will often have anxiety, and worry about betraying their biological parent if they do care about or trust the new step-parent.
